Oppo, Can I Rant Here? Personal Stuff Inside. I just want to talk

"JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!" (jqj213)
08/29/2014 at 23:14 • Filed to: None

So Oppo I have run into a situation. And my mind is so confused on what to think and what to do. I really just want to talk here. So if anyone is up for it please read and comment!

Well slight backstory: I work at Publix as a bagger. I am 16 years old and in high school. There is one other high schooler my age there. She is someone who I do have feelings for and have liked her since before I worked there. And I do believe that she has feelings for me to. But I have been scared to ask her out for a few reasons.

The first main reason would be my lack of confidence. She is really attractive and someone who I felt was way out of my league. But as time passed and she started to like me, my feelings did change there.

Second would be her current situation. As of now, she might have a boyfriend. According to her, "He is kind of my boyfriend but he kind of isn't. Like he walks me to my classes but we aren't official or anything. But I guess I'll call him my boyfriend." So yeah, I don't know how to really react there.

Third (MAIN POINT HERE): She has a bit of a checkered history. She hangs with some iffy people and had some rough boyfriends. I know she no longer is a virgin. And she likes to sneak out and party a lot. She is a drinker.

So, I asked her tonight what her plans for the weekend were. And her eyes lit up as she told me that her parents were out of town. And tomorrow night she is going over to her brother's house (he is 18) and is getting "Drunk as fuuucckkk" with her brother (great role model huh?) and some friends. And this is where I am seriously bothered.

First, I am very against under aged drinking. It is just a personal belief and its not something I support or partake in. Second, she has had it pretty rough. And a lot of was due to alcohol. So she is essentially putting herself back in these bad situations.

Also, my mother is a substance abuse counselor for teens. Her whole career is based on stopping kids with these issues. I am a member of Drug Free Youth, and have a pledge that I will be drug, alcohol, and tobacco free for a year. Between it and work, I am drug tested about 4 times a month. My mom is trained to tell if someone is drunk. So I have grown up in an environment where this is wrong.

Lastly, I've had some really bad experience with alcohol. Half my family suffer from alcoholism. I've lost my grandma to it. My uncle threw away his life from it. Sadly, even my mom is slightly becoming one. I lost numerous friends because they decided to partake in it. And I even really lost (as in they are now dead) a few friends from drunk driving.

I hate seeing someone like her do this. And I am really upset because she told me she was changing. She has tried to clean up her act. Its why she has the job now. But doing this, just bothers me. And I have lost a lot of respect for her. And honestly, a girl that does this repulses me.

I was invited to the party. Do I go? I will NOT drink anything. But do I even bother? And what about in general? I just want someone really to talk to now.

Thanks again guys for everything. You all are a bunch of amazing people!

DISCUSSION (52)

heliochrome85 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:18

Im not a fan of the idea of breaking your own personal beliefs to be accepted. I say take a pass on her and this party. You don't need to get mixed up in stuff like this.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > heliochrome85
08/29/2014 at 23:19

That's pretty much how Im feeling at this point. It really sucks too, because I did like her a lot. But I just dont get why she does this. I guess Ill never know either.

CB > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:19

I wouldn't go. No point in making yourself overly uncomfortable for no real reason.

Also, if you have an issue with some large aspects of her personality, ask yourself if you'd really want to be in a relationship with her. It sucks hard thinking like that, but it may be something to consider.

Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

heliochrome85 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:19

if you need to be someone else just to be with her, then she isn't the girl for you.

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:21

Too many other girls out there then get involved with her. I would just tell her that your convictions are not the same as hers. Maybe try and show her how bad drinking underage is.

Axial > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:21

Do not go to that party. It will be a miserable experience for you and no matter how it turns out, you will regret having gone for a long time.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > CB
08/29/2014 at 23:22

Yeah your right man. Its just as of now she is like the only girl I get to talk to and see regularly. And she told me she was changing. I give her rides home all the time. I buy her lunch all the time. We text and she sits next to me whenever possible. She is always being flirty with me and I really really liked that.

It sucks im just so bored and lonely now. I know I know Im only 16 and yada yada but still...

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > heliochrome85
08/29/2014 at 23:23

That is a really great point.

She told me she was cleaning up her act. And I admired her for that. But now...

oh well.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:24

Ima gonna say that it isn't change your views and morals for one girl; especially in this situation. There are plenty of cars out there and there will be more; give it time, be patient and I'm sure the right one will pull up alongside you someday. :)

heliochrome85 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:24

her demons are her demons. you have your own. no need to take more on.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > TheD0k_2many toys 2little time
08/29/2014 at 23:24

I have sort of brought it up before. Its just I know how it works. Ive seen it happen. Ive lost great people because of it. And she is too young, But trying to tell her this just gets me a response of how she is responsible and its not all the time and not to worry.

But I cant help myself.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:25

First let my say this: My mom has an M.A. in psychology and she is A.B.D. on her P.H.D. so I know what its like to have a parent like that. In my opinion if she really likes you she will be willing to change for you. Say no to the party, If she really is into you, she wont go either. If she isnt willing to change herself for the better, is she really the girl for you? If she wont change her risky ways, is she even worth your energy? Just be honest with her, Tell her you dont feel comfortable going (if you dont) and put the ball in her court. Plus if you do go (regardless if you drink or not) you are going to have a very uncomfortable conversation with your mom. trust me, I am speaking from experience.

PushToStart > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:27

Don't go. It will be uncomfortable, I can promise you that. With everyone else getting drunk and you aren't, it'll be weird and you won't enjoy yourself because you won't be having any interesting conversations with a bunch of kids just there to get hammered.

Also, I don't know about the situation with the girl. She might be attractive but it doesn't sound like you really live the same way, and that will probably lead to clashes. Also if she's associated with another guy, it might be really complicated.

It's your call, but that's my 2¢.

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:27

Maybe try and invite her to do something that doesnt involve drinking. Such as go carts or something. Try and just be her friend

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Denver Is Stuck In The 90s
08/29/2014 at 23:27

I would literally be going for an hour. I have to be in by 11 anyway so Im not doing the whole night thing. its not who I am.

And she isnt the girl to do those changes. Shes doing it with family so she is okay with it. The fact that he influences her so much pisses me off.

Realistically, Im not even sure if she knows how strongly I feel about this (like she knows I dont drink, but I don't know if she knows the extent of how I feel)

It just sucks. Because we had something. I dont want to just give up but I dont want to change who i am either.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > TheD0k_2many toys 2little time
08/29/2014 at 23:29

I think that is my plan for now. Im just going to be there for her. I plan on asking her to hang out soon and go bowling with me and a few friends.

I mean we are rather close. I buy her lunch all the time and drive her home. We do text an she does share a lot of personal things with me. So I don't (and can't) just walk away at this point.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > PushToStart
08/29/2014 at 23:32

No you are absolutely right. It just really sucks because I have liked her for like 8 months, since before I started working there and she would bag my groceries. And when I started working there we were able to connect more. I drive her home like every night. I buy her lunch all the time. We are always talking and she tells me a lot of personal stuff. I cant walk away at this point. Its not just that she is attractive, she is just a blast to talk to.

Im just bothered because she told me she was changing. She wanted to clean herself up. And this is the exact opposite.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:33

You shouldnt ever feel like you have to change who you are, unless you live a dysfunctional lifestyle which it sounds like she does. Let her know how you truly feel about her drinking, maybe she doesnt even know how bad her problem is. You shouldnt feel like you have to sacrifice your values to please someone else. Maybe it would work out in the end, but it would probably be a long road

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:33

Yea I took as she was just a co-worker. But when you are that invested, just be there for her. Sounds like she needs someone to be friends with.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > TheD0k_2many toys 2little time
08/29/2014 at 23:34

I think thats all I can do at this point. She has told me before that she really just feels comfortable around me. But I cannot change my beliefs to be with her. I wont do that.

So I guess I have another friend now. Kind of sucks.

Conan > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:36

"That isn't my scene." "I'd love to to go eat at insert restaurant with you or go karting/autocrossing/to the amusement park/to watch monster trucks/to a concert but I've got a bad family history with that stuff so I try to avoid it."

This is an opportunity. If she responds positively you have a date. If not, you've politely declined. Focus on you and try to find girls through the stuff you've pledged on/church (women love members of their "tribes"). Remember you're going to be heading to college in two years. Everybody finds people like them there.

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:37

Yea it does man. Still girls are crazy. Your only 16, just live your life and worry about getting real serious when your a bit older and wiser.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:38

1. Dating where you work is a no no. I did it, I got hurt and I still had to work with her. It sucked.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Conan
08/29/2014 at 23:39

I plan on taking her bowling with a group of friends or to a movie soon. I guess I have a friend here but I mentally cannot be with someone like this. Ironically enough when we first got close like 5 months ago, I told myself this. But since she told me she was changing I started to like her more and more and now I really did because how close we got.

So it really does suck because I am again lonely and depressed and back to where I started with no one.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/29/2014 at 23:40

Yeah I know. But its nothing serious here. We bag groceries. I work like 15 hours a week. I know there is a risk there but that didnt bother me.

novagirl > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:41

Sounds like a tough place to be. Its never easy when your emotions and your morals conflict. The thing to remember here is that everyone has a past, it doesn't matter how old you are; and that sometimes things in life are hard to deal with (making taking a break from it seem like a good idea). If you like this girl there must be a reason for it, don't discount her just because she's made some choices you don't agree with. Having a difference of opinion is what makes the world go round and we would be no where if everyone thought the same. That being said, you have to stand by your beliefs.

IMHO the best way to go about things is just to mention that you worry about her. Lots of young people experiment with their sexuality as well as drugs and alcohol, and for the most part everyone turns out okay.

If you want to go to the party, then go, enjoy yourself. Have fun, don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, but don't judge people for doing their own thing — so long as no ones life is in danger things should be pretty kosher. And ratting her/other party goers out to "a person of authority" is no way to endear yourself to anyone's heart.

As far as your confidence, I know you've probably heard it a million times, but just be yourself. If she doesn't like you for who you are, she isn't worth your time. If you guys really have become friends she will likely be flattered you've asked her out, (or even think of her that way) and make some decisions about her relationship with this other guy or if she doesn't feel the same, will try to spare your feelings in explaining so. Don't let your confidence be shaken if she's not interested, you can't force feelings that aren't there and its in no way any sort of commentary on you as a person.

Being sixteen is rough. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you're obviously aware of where you stand on some important issues. The big thing is to make sure you aren't shoving your ideals down someone else's throat while making your stance clear (don't let peer pressure get the best of you).

Hope things work out!

JGrabowMSt > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:42

Don't go. You know what's best for you, and while this girl may be a fun coworker to help pass the time, it goes without saying that you can do better.

From one oppo to another, I've been in a very similar situation. In fact, twice. I let go of a very long relationship because I wouldn't put up with it anymore. I just couldn't do it. It honestly wasn't for me. I'm no member of any drug free organization, and I'll preface this by saying that I have had a couple drinks before. And by a couple drinks, I mean, a had a little champagne at my older sisters shitty wedding, I had a really shitty watery rum and coke at a concert once (free drink vouchers are the worst), and I spent about half an evening trying to put down half a sam adams boston lager. That's my entire life's experience with drinking personally. None of them were good. So I just don't do it. I don't drink, smoke, do any drugs, and it's the life for me. Would I ever want to? Nope. I know full well I'm not missing out on anything.

So, getting down to it, I let a close to two year relationship fall to pieces because I was unwilling to be okay with my significant other getting trashed while away at college. I don't regret a thing. I struggled for a couple months at helping a girl in a nearly identical situation as your co-worker try to overcome her "habits." Neither situation had any good ending. In the end, something something, never date a co-worker, something something. The right girl will share your values, not push yours to the limit.

Nice car BTW, looks familiar.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:45

I didn't care either, until it ended. I also worked at a grocery store for only two days a week. After she dumped me, she started dating one of my friends, who also worked there.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > novagirl
08/29/2014 at 23:46

Thank you so much! And it is a really really difficult point here. This is the first girl who i really did get to like me because I am myself. And I buy her lunch all the time and give her rides home. We text and she gets personal with me. I know a lot about her and her past. I seriously do like her, but stuff like this, it just bothers me personally.

I plan on taking her bowling with some friends or to a movie soon.

I just dont want to go to that party. I just hate everything about it. I was more or less still in shock and viewed it as a chance to see her outside of work. But I dont want to see her drunk and really out of control. It sucks that I havent really met anyone who has these thoughts or beliefs. Here I am stressing out over this now and worrying too much.

Conan > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:48

You're not alone. You've got values and the capacity for thought. You're young. Something might still happen here. Don't feel like you have to rush anything. I know that sounds maybe excessively parent like, but I suspect there might be somebody in "Drug Free Youth" that you could go out with if that's your scene. I know I went out with a Straight Edge girl when I was your age and she taught me Magic: The Gathering, introduced me to the history of Nikola Tesla, and got me into some really entertaining electronica, all of which were things that stuck with me over time even though the relationship didn't last. As Sun Tzu says, "Elevate your company." Time spent on yourself now will get you into better colleges and get you a lot more chances with people that work for you. Don't be afraid to ask girls out, even solo. You're going to be moving on in a couple of years anyways. You don't really have anything to lose.

blacktruck18 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/29/2014 at 23:49

First of coming from someone twice your age, if I have a son I want him to be as responsible and level headed as you.

Now come the jokes/advice.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Kinja'd!!!

No really, I'll wait............ Actually that would make a great first tattoo.

It seems like she as some issues going on. It's not worth it. I dated quite a few women in my younger years. If I learned anything it is,

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

If you feel this strongly about drinking than there is no point in even trying. If I were you I would tell her no thanks, I don't drink and I am not going to. If you want to stop drinking we can hangout. If you need help to quit drinking here is my Mom's # she is a counselor that can help you.

When I was your age I partied all the time. Now, I pretty much regret all of that. Keep doing what you are doing and I think life will be good for you. Good Luck.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > JGrabowMSt
08/29/2014 at 23:52

Yeah man you are absolutely right. It just really really sucks. Im in that spot now where I have no other girls that Im talking to. And I did have feelings for her. I drive her home whenever possible. I buy her lunch all the time. We text. She has opened up to me and told me things like no one else knows. Its because of this I feel so responsible. And I care what happens to her and I dont want to see her ruin her life. My uncle was like her. He was a brilliant brilliant man. Now he's homeless and a crippling alcoholic with no future possible. I lsot two great friends because of a drunk driver. I have stopped talking with tons because they turned into those party all the time people.

At this point I guess I have a friend. I can and should be there for her whenever she needs. I want to still hang out maybe. But I just hate knowing she has this side to her.

I havent met anyone this year. And Im at the point again where Im just bored and lonely and depressed. Its this feeling I cannot stand having. I enjoyed her because she was the opposite of me. She was funny, very open, more relaxed, and beautiful. And she talked to me and likes me. So it was something new to me. But I just don't think that it is worth it.

I'll be seeing her on Sunday. And I will tell her how I feel about all this and Im here for her if she needs anything. I think she knows I dont drink but I dont think she knows how serious I feel about it.

And yup! Still loved that car show so much!

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > blacktruck18
08/29/2014 at 23:53

Thanks man! I appreciate it. It just sucks a lot. Because I did like her. And we have shared a lot. But its just not who I am.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 00:01

don't go man. Also, you should talk to your mother about your concerns with her drinking.

JGrabowMSt > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 00:10

Honestly, it seems nothing different than the one girl I was trying to help. She would start opening up about things because she would get a certain respect from me that she wasn't used to from anyone else. It wasn't the same little following her friends had, it was an intellectual challenge to do better, and it never quite made sense to her, because she wasn't used to people who didn't care to follow her lead.

I think I can say with a bit of certainty that your coworker is in the same kind of boat. You're not her usual group of "follow the leader" friends, so she finds it easier to confide in you because of that. I think it's completely normal for you to have feelings towards/about her. What's most important is that you be honest with her. That's not a requirement to burn bridges or anything, but in true Gawker fashion, if you were to tell her how you feel about things, and be a little pushy/demanding about a little respect, Thatz Okay.

Back in the 70's, my dad's best friend was killed buy a drunk/high driver. It doesn't go away, and definitely never gets better. She may never decide to change, but she should make the strong decision to be more respectful about things, at the very least when around you. No demand should be too much for a friend.

In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 00:15

Ok. First before you and her consent to any bed rocking, GET STD TESTS! TELL HER TO GET BIRTH CONTROL. DONT BE DAFT WRAP YOUR SHAFT. And are you still a virgin? If so, tell her that. ALWAYS ASK BEFORE ACTIONS OCCUR (think before you do).

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 00:25

I think you should go to the party and have a fun "ride" with this girl.

PushToStart > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 00:49

Well, don't let it get you down. Don't change your expectations for who you want to be with to accommodate the bad habits of other people. if she actually does change (saying she will change vs. actually changing are totally different) then reconsider. But if she isn't right for you now, don't go down that road. It'll probably be a rough one if you do. Especially if your mother doesn't approve, because then you're under extreme pressure and emotional strain.

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 02:41

I didn't "drink" before I was 21. I think I had total of 5 or 6 alcoholic drinks before I was 21. I was @14 when I started to realize the affect of alcohol on a couple of relatives (how they started young) and made a commitment I wouldn't let it do the same to me. Did it make some parties super awkward yes, did I probably not get invited to some yes. It did allow me to quickly weed out those that were and weren't my friends. Looking back I have no regrets not drinking high school. When you are older, in moderation, and appropriate circumstances alcohol is fine. Don't change your beliefs for someone to like you.

Eazy-O > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 06:56

Friendzone... imminent.

$kaycog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 08:53

Back away from her...........waaaay back. No good can become of getting involved with her. She is T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

jkm7680 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 09:10

I wouldn't, I'd just stay as far away from a party where underage drinking is present.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > JGrabowMSt
08/30/2014 at 11:27

Up when I lived in NJ like two years ago I lost two teenage friends to a drunk driver. So that really messed with me as well.

And in her defense, she knows I don't really drink. But she has no clue that I feel so strongly about it. I asked her and could've gotten any answer possible... Also, lately she has been super super flirty in a more sexual way, and this may have been an attempt to turn me on since most guys around here find girls who get wasted super attractive. Personally I'm repulsed by it. So I think what I'm going to do is actually just talk to her. Tell her that I'm here for her if she ever needs to talk and if she wants to change I can get her help. At this point she needs a good friend.

I think she will become more respectful if she knows everything.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > PushToStart
08/30/2014 at 11:36

Speaking of my mom, this is where things get interesting. I don't tell her like anything personal. At all. She doesn't know really anything here. And if we were in a relationship, I'd hide her past too. I don't like sharing personal things with family.

And you do have a point. I think at this point what she really needs is a good friend. I could be that for her. I'm essentially going to friendzone myself here. But I could maybe help her a little. Its just difficult for me because I really did like her. And as of now she is like the only girl I am talking to. And she does like me too. So its at a point where my emotions and morals are conflicting.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > gmporschenut also a fan of hondas
08/30/2014 at 11:38

Thats exactly how I feel. I just don't see the point in getting wasted at this age. You know drinking like a beer or two might not kill you. But I don't get why you want to get shit faced drunk. What's the point? What's the appeal?

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > jkm7680
08/30/2014 at 11:40

Now that I've been thinking about it more and more that's how I feel.

At the time I viewed it as a way to spend time with her outside of work. But I really don't want to see her drunk. I'd lose all respect for her.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > $kaycog
08/30/2014 at 11:51

Its bad but I know she is trouble. But I kind of liked that. She isn't like anyone I talk to. She is different. I liked that factor. and she told me she was changing. For someone like me it was rare to have a girl who liked talking to me and liked me for who I am. And as of now, she's the only girl I really talk to. So I don't want to just drop everything. My mind is so confused on what to do here.

$kaycog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 11:54

It sounds like you have an obsession with her. Be smart.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > $kaycog
08/30/2014 at 12:04

Its really bad but I honestly am. So I need to try and balance my morals with my emotions.

PushToStart > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/30/2014 at 12:44

I know what you mean by not sharing personal stuff with your family, I totally get that 100%. As for friend zoning yourself, that could be a good thing, because it allows you to help her, but not at a level of commitment where it would be harder to cut it off. And if she changes, it's always possible to get out of the friend zone, despite what many people say.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > PushToStart
08/30/2014 at 13:25

I truthfully think it would be good for both of us. Also, although I do find it difficult to get out, i feel with her I could very easily, because she does still like me. So I guess I have somewhat figured this out.

Hey thanks man for talking with me. I really appreciate it

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
08/30/2014 at 18:18

I dont really talk to my parents about anything personal. I feel awkward doing so. So im going to keep that to myself.

But im not going. At the time I thought of it as a way to see her outside of work. But I dont want to see her wasted and lose all respect for her.